It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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