Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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