I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
