Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
