Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
