I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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