I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
