u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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