I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
