This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
