Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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