my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
