standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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