Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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