I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
