Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
