There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
