I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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