My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
