plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
