If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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