The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
