I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
