if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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