Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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