the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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