Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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