i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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