the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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