There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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