I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
