the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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