Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
