My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
