Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
