he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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