sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
