why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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