Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
