Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
