this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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