i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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