I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
