How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
