I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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