It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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