nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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