I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
