I just pynch a tree in the face
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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