Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
