He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
