Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
